Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but Uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

Dear Jonathan Powell:

This is a common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button and then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 – monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD. Also frequently use Communicator 5.0.

Saturday, Becca and I slept most of the day, which was great because both of us needed the rest. Upon waking, we decided to be spontaneous and go to Mount Sterling for dinner and a movie. We had a lovely dinner at Melini Cuisina and headed to Tenth Frame Cinema to catch The Hitcher.

After getting our tickets and purchasing my customary vanilla Dippin Dots, we picked a seat about half way up the  stadium-style rows. I was in hog heaven eating my Dots when all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe. After a sharp cough, I was able to find the source of my respiratory distress. Two people had sat down in the row in front of us. Upon further inspection, I discovered that it was a male and female mullet. The male, trying to be romantic, had apparently put on a mixture of the holy trinity of redneck colognes: Stetson, Brute, and Old Spice. I myself have worn these but never at the same time. Needless to say, this combination is stout. Gradually, I was able to catch my breath in spite of the fact my nostrils continued to burn. We managed to make it through The Hitcher (which was horrible) and made our way to the lobby. I was a bit light-headed but the fresh air quickly restored me. Wouldn’t you know it though, the scent hit me again like a ton of bricks. I wheeled around and spied the male not more than four feet from me. Leaving Beck to fend for herself in the bathroom, I ran out the door and traded the cologne bomb of one mullet for the Doral smoke from another…At least my nostrils ceased to burn.

Isn’t it funny how easily we are forgotten when other’s come into our significant other’s lives?  I was just thinking about how Trav deserted me today for Jeremy and I am sad.  P.S.  I’m totally BSing!!  Hi to Jeremy and I love you Trav!

Take my quiz online at http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=070107180054-984212&.
     

A neat little collection I started in the summer of 2002 is shirts with smart aleck sayings on them. My mom and mother-in-law expanded my collection by three shirts. The following is a list of the awesome sayings (in no particular order):

• Your village called. Their idiot is missing.
• Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
• I see your problem. You’re stupid.
• You’re an inspiration to stupid people everywhere.
• If stupidity were a crime, you’d be on America’s Most Wanted.
• I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
• I’d put something clever here, but you wouldn’t get it.

Now, I’m honestly not that arrogant, and no, I don’t think everyone is stupid. There are, however, enough idiots in the world so that these shirts provide me with a little subtle relief when there’s more stupidity than I can handle. Stupidity itself is strange in nature. Here are some of my observations about stupidity:

• Stupidity is normally distributed. I’ve been to quite a few places in the United States, and so far, I’ve encountered stupidity everywhere.
• Stupidity has nothing to do with intelligence. This is hard for a lot of people to accept, but I have met many brilliant people who were very stupid. I suppose this duality can exist because stupidity doesn’t always have to affect every aspect of a stupid person’s life. The one type of stupidity that sticks out the most is the one that involves someone not knowing when to refrain from speaking. Knowing when to clam up is the #1 most important social skill, but I’ve found that the lack of this knowledge breeds stupidity.
• To augment the preceding point, some people are Stupid All-Stars. Stupidity can affect some people so bad that they, as a whole, are truly stupid. If you don’t believe me, got to any local festival or state fair and walk around for about an hour. Stupid All-Stars somehow survive even though nothing they do makes sense.
• Stupidity can be funny. Stupidity should not always be hated. Some of the funniest things you will ever witness are a result of stupidity. America’s Funniest Home Videos was successful because it was a full-on parade of people doing stupid things.
• Everyone is stupid sometimes. If you have ever had a moment when you’ve asked yourself, "Why did I just do that?" after doing something that obviously had a much alternative, then you have been stupid. I have exhibited so much stupidity looking for a shorter way of doing something when in fact the old way I had always done it was much better.

I”ll probably expand on this list after I have reflected some more, and I’ll repost it up top if I do. Stay tuned!