Author name: Trav

WarioWare: Smooth Moves is one of those games that seems strange on paper. After five minutes of playing, however, Beck and I were hooked. The game is nothing more than a bunch of microgames intertwined with storylines of forgettable characters. The thing that makes Smooth Moves so great is how the microgames take advantage of the Wii Remote.  [Editor’s Note: As much as I like the term Wiimote, it is not the official name for the Wii Remote, and therefore, will not be used in this review.]  As you progress from stage to stage, a narrator introduces different forms, which are nothing more than ways to hold the Wii Remote (which is known as the Form Baton in the game).

Each form has a name that correlates to a (usually amusing) real-world equivalent of that grip would be. The first form is the Remote Control in which the player holds the Wii Remote like a TV remote with the body of the remote parallel to the ground and the tip facing toward the TV screen. The forms are (in no particular order):

• remote control
• janitor
• thumb wrestler
• morter and pestle
• tug-o-war
• handlebar
• chauffeur
• dumbbell
• umbrella
• discard
• waiter
• samurai
• elephant
• mohawk
• sketch artist
• big cheese
• boxer
• finger food
• diner (A, B, and C)

While engaging in many of the positions, you have a tendency to feel very stupid, however, no one who plays in immune to this, so the stupidity is evenly distributed. 

At the beginning of each microgame, you are shown the form you are supposed to use to accomplish the task at hand. Then, a word flashes on the screen to clue you in on what you should do. (Examples are spray, sharpen, collect, and defend.) The game suddenly appears, and you have 3-5 seconds to figure out the right thing to do. Some of the tasks are apparent while others take a few tries and some thinking to figure out what to do. To give you an idea, on one microgame, you’re given the thumbwrestler form and the word spray. You are then presented with hand on top of a champagne bottle. Putting all three things together, you immediately start shaking the Wii Remote as you would a bottle of champagne you are trying to foam up. Then you see a group of ball players and you shake the remote to pop cork and spray them. When you have tried a task a few times with no success and finally figure out what to do, the feeling of satisfaction is great, maybe because of the instant gratification that the microgames provide.

The graphics are stunning. When I was a kid, I dreamed of games that looked like cartoons. With Smooth Moves, this dream was realized. [Editor’s Note: I’m not a huge gamer, so I’m sure some other game achieved this look first. Smooth Moves is merely the first I’ve seen.] Sure the Wii isn’t high-def, but high-def isn’t everything when you get crisply rendered cartoons that look like they’re straight out of Illustrator.

WarioWare: Smooth Moves is definitely a great game. My only complaint is that the loose storylines add nothing to the game and simply serve to slow down the fast-paced gameplay. Otherwise, I would recommend this game to anyone.

If you want a good understanding of anything and everything related to a mullet, check this out. I don’t know who wrote this, but they’ve definitely done their homework.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but Uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

Dear Jonathan Powell:

This is a common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button and then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 – monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD. Also frequently use Communicator 5.0.

Saturday, Becca and I slept most of the day, which was great because both of us needed the rest. Upon waking, we decided to be spontaneous and go to Mount Sterling for dinner and a movie. We had a lovely dinner at Melini Cuisina and headed to Tenth Frame Cinema to catch The Hitcher.

After getting our tickets and purchasing my customary vanilla Dippin Dots, we picked a seat about half way up the  stadium-style rows. I was in hog heaven eating my Dots when all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe. After a sharp cough, I was able to find the source of my respiratory distress. Two people had sat down in the row in front of us. Upon further inspection, I discovered that it was a male and female mullet. The male, trying to be romantic, had apparently put on a mixture of the holy trinity of redneck colognes: Stetson, Brute, and Old Spice. I myself have worn these but never at the same time. Needless to say, this combination is stout. Gradually, I was able to catch my breath in spite of the fact my nostrils continued to burn. We managed to make it through The Hitcher (which was horrible) and made our way to the lobby. I was a bit light-headed but the fresh air quickly restored me. Wouldn’t you know it though, the scent hit me again like a ton of bricks. I wheeled around and spied the male not more than four feet from me. Leaving Beck to fend for herself in the bathroom, I ran out the door and traded the cologne bomb of one mullet for the Doral smoke from another…At least my nostrils ceased to burn.

Take my quiz online at http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=070107180054-984212&.
     

A neat little collection I started in the summer of 2002 is shirts with smart aleck sayings on them. My mom and mother-in-law expanded my collection by three shirts. The following is a list of the awesome sayings (in no particular order):

• Your village called. Their idiot is missing.
• Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
• I see your problem. You’re stupid.
• You’re an inspiration to stupid people everywhere.
• If stupidity were a crime, you’d be on America’s Most Wanted.
• I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
• I’d put something clever here, but you wouldn’t get it.

Now, I’m honestly not that arrogant, and no, I don’t think everyone is stupid. There are, however, enough idiots in the world so that these shirts provide me with a little subtle relief when there’s more stupidity than I can handle. Stupidity itself is strange in nature. Here are some of my observations about stupidity:

• Stupidity is normally distributed. I’ve been to quite a few places in the United States, and so far, I’ve encountered stupidity everywhere.
• Stupidity has nothing to do with intelligence. This is hard for a lot of people to accept, but I have met many brilliant people who were very stupid. I suppose this duality can exist because stupidity doesn’t always have to affect every aspect of a stupid person’s life. The one type of stupidity that sticks out the most is the one that involves someone not knowing when to refrain from speaking. Knowing when to clam up is the #1 most important social skill, but I’ve found that the lack of this knowledge breeds stupidity.
• To augment the preceding point, some people are Stupid All-Stars. Stupidity can affect some people so bad that they, as a whole, are truly stupid. If you don’t believe me, got to any local festival or state fair and walk around for about an hour. Stupid All-Stars somehow survive even though nothing they do makes sense.
• Stupidity can be funny. Stupidity should not always be hated. Some of the funniest things you will ever witness are a result of stupidity. America’s Funniest Home Videos was successful because it was a full-on parade of people doing stupid things.
• Everyone is stupid sometimes. If you have ever had a moment when you’ve asked yourself, "Why did I just do that?" after doing something that obviously had a much alternative, then you have been stupid. I have exhibited so much stupidity looking for a shorter way of doing something when in fact the old way I had always done it was much better.

I”ll probably expand on this list after I have reflected some more, and I’ll repost it up top if I do. Stay tuned!

The other night, I dreamed that I was sitting in a college psychology class. The setting was much like that of my Intro to Psych class: A small auditorium with stadium style seating. The professor was standing up front wearing a corduroy blazer with patches on the elbows holding a cup of coffee.  He takes a big gulp of coffee, looks at the class, and poses the question, "Did you ever consider that when a Carebear farts, it probably smells like cupcakes?"

I was perplexed…Very perplexed. When I woke up, I was still perplexed, but a bit curious. The only thing I could think was, "What flavor of cupcakes would they smell like." Who needs carpe diem when you dream like that…

One of my favorite places on the Internet is Digital Blasphemy.com. This site is by far the place to get desktop wallpaper. I’ve been a fan for about 4 years and with each update, I am more and more impressed with Ryan Bliss’ work. He is an amazing digital artist.

One of the coolest things to do is go look at the 2001 work and compare it to the current offerings. With every new version of software (Truespace 3D, Lightwave, etc), Ryan manages to push the envelope and get the most out of new features. This goes to show you that a true artist can get the most out of his tools.

Digital Blasphemy has free section, but I would recommend that anyone pay $20 and sign up for a 1 year subscription. The paid wallpapers are well worth it, especially if you spend as much time on the computer as I do.